I keep a blog on the weight watchers website, and it's so CHEESY. I mean, I'm all "I'm so proud of myself" and "This was really hard today" and "I find this really inspiring."
It kind of makes me want to puke but it's also really, well, honest.
It's not that I'm a liar, it's just that I tend to - devalue? I guess that's the word I'm looking for - I tend to devalue a lot of things. I don't know why.
Someone says, "You look like you've lost weight."
I say, "I think it's just the shirt."
Someone says, "Are you okay, you seem down today."
I say, "I'm just tired."
Someone says, "Wasn't it hard growing up like that?"
I say, "It wasn't a big deal."
Well, I am losing weight and I am down sometimes and it was a big effing deal.
So why don't I just SAY THAT? I think maybe I worry that people will think I'm trying to get attention. I dunno. I can't put my finger on it. That's what she said. Hm.
When it comes to the blog, I think my issue is that people I know read this thing, while the WW one is pretty anonymous. Everyone in that community is going through similar issues, and most people have some kind of pseudonym. I didn't bother with a pseudonym here because most of the people that read it actually know me in real life, and I also just didn't have the energy to think of something clever. I was never going to come on here and bash my job or my coworkers or my friends and family, so I don't have a problem with people figuring out who I am. (Plus, sometimes I look kind of good in photos, and I will totally want to post them here when that occurs.) Point is, I guess I don't mind people knowing what is happening in my head, but I have a hard time talking about it in person. I'd go so far as to say that I write so that I won't HAVE to talk about it in person!
I'm sure I've said this before but I'm really going to try to stop worrying so much about sounding like a total cheeseball when I post things on here. It's inevitable. I'm going to sound like a foolish dork 98% of the time. Because I am one. And whatever if people think I'm posting things just to get attention. It's a fricking blog which is totally egocentric in the first place. Just because I don't try to get followers doesn't mean I'm not a big ol' attention whore just by having the damn thing.
Apologies for the totally disjointed post here. I'm tired, and I'm about to go home, and my mind is moving faster than my fingers.
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2 comments:
I love your blog!
I do the same thing. People hear about my family and say "oh my god, how do you deal with all of that?" and I say "ah, we've all got dysfunction, right?" But not everyone does. Not everyone is estranged from both parents and two of four siblings. My sister and I that are close are extremely close because we went through it together and both of us will be DAMNED if it pulls us down like it has the rest of our family. I'm proud of us. I'm proud of our therapy and forgiveness and optimism. It is a big deal.
Good for you for blogging and being honest and just working toward your goal. And putting a finger on it. That's what she said.
FINALLY. Be free, my blog-yeilding friend. I can't wait to read your dork-o-rific posts. Which, will probably be amazing and everyone will connect to them and you'll get an award and a book deal.
So, get to it!
I love you and I love your blog. And ice cream.
Crack open that head o' yours and let it all spill out.
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